Will I ever get married again? Truly, I love the thought of it – making that commitment to another, saying to someone, “I choose you, always”. Weddings are all about our best intentions and hope for the future, public declarations of gratitude and fortitude and hope. But marriages; marriages are much more complicated. The marriage is what’s left when the first blush of falling in love passes, and the last of the wedding cake has been eaten, the rice swept away. The marriage is the day-to-day, here-I-am, leaving socks on the floor, finishing the last of the milk…and the arm that hugs you tight in the middle of the night. Marriages are a public statement about a private life; a legally binding obligation. It’s so beautiful when two people decide to tie themselves together, but I think it’s equally beautiful when a couple simply decides that they are a couple by their own definition. When every day, they wake up, look at the other, and decide to stay. When each day is an active choice to maintain the partnership because they want to be together; when walking away is an option and they choose not to take it. I was in a long marriage with a good man who I loved and who loved me, and I was so lonely. We married because we thought we were a good fit, because we had common goals and ideals, and because we wanted a family. And we were a good fit, and we still share common goals and ideals, and we created a wonderful family. But what we lacked was the waking up and choosing each other all over again. We became invisible to each other. We took each other for granted, and we became disconnected. From the outside, we looked perfect, functional, happy. On the inside, we were empty, left with the shell of what we had hoped for. It’s the saddest thing, when a marriage fails, and long after the pain of the tearing apart has passed, there’s still a scar; there always will be.
I know how empty rings can be. I also believe in commitment, and love, and choosing one another every day, forever. Does that mean I’ll get married again? Honestly, I don’t know, and only time will tell. I would like to say yes, but for right now, I’ll just keep choosing to stay.