What do you want? Really, you? Not influenced by the could’ves or the should’ves or the worry about what others may think…what do YOU want? When your pride or ego steps aside and your eyesight becomes clear, what do you see? It’s a tough question to answer, because we all feel so much pressure from every facet of our lives. We don’t want to hurt or disappoint; or to be hurt or disappointed. So we say yes when we mean no, and take on more than feels right, or good, or that we have time for. And sometimes, too often, it means that we stay in relationships that perhaps are simply not right for us. Something feels slightly off, but it’s a little hard to put your finger on exactly what, and it’s easier to avoid the conversations, to avoid the conflict, to avoid ourselves. I faced this challenge when somebody, a man I was intimate with, told me he didn’t want to date me. He wanted to be intimate, on his terms, and that was it; nothing personal – while he liked me fine and enjoyed hanging out, I just wasn’t who he was interested in having a romantic relationship with. OUCH, right?! And at first, I was really bummed. I was so tripped up by my ego that it didn’t occur to me to consider what I wanted. And when I did, I realized: I didn’t want to date him, either. I liked him fine and enjoyed hanging out, but did I see a future? Nope. Not at all.
A girlfriend of mine had a similar experience, except hers went like this: she was on a date with a man, and things became intimate, and she wasn’t comfortable with that and it wasn’t what she wanted. But she didn’t stop him or say no, because she was so focused on what he wanted, that she lost sight of herself. In the middle of having sex with this man she barely knew, she decided it was easier to just go along with it than to stop him. And then she was angry with herself, and hurt, and felt violated.
This isn’t a conversation about about women’s subjucation to men, or about sexual relationships, or romantic ones, either; it’s about using your voice to assert what you want. Don’t go along with things that feel a little off, of very off, or just plain awful. Give yourself the gift of quiet space to listen to your heart, your soul, your pulse; to hear your inner voice tell you what you want. Put that in your pocket or someplace safe, and be sure to look at it often. Honor yourself, and remember what you want.