A few years ago, a friend asked me what I was looking for, and I gave him a list. It started with “tall, and not-blue eyes”. I then went on to describe nice table manners, an appreciation of wine and good food, someone who skis and has straight teeth…honestly, it was utterly riculous, and I am embarrassed that I said any of it out loud. My friend chuckled and patted my arm, and told me something that has stuck: that I would meet someone who I would fall in love with, someone with a firm sense of who he is and what he wants, and that this man would break my heart. And after that, I would pick myself up, and be changed. Though heartbreak, would grow stronger, and finally, finally be ready for a real partnership.
Mala necklaces are strands of 109 beads—typically stones, crystals, sandalwood or rudraksha beads that carry certain energy – traditionally used during japa meditation, where a mantra is quietly repeated 108 times. Wearing the mala as a necklace or as a bracelet throughout the day helps you manifest the power of the stone. And much like a rosary, the beads help the practitioner keep track of their place as they move through a meditation practice with the beads in between their thumb and forefinger (never letting the beads touch the middle finger, a sign of disrespect). At the 109th bead, it is customary to give gratitude to teachers and the most important people in your life. (quoted from Yoga Journal)
The beads that I chose are a traditional rosewood strand, with a large smoky Quartz teardrop. Their description reads, “leave behind things that no longer serve you. We are talking about the difficult stuff: toxic relationships, the uninspiring job, or maybe a destructive belief. When you let go you create space for the new and wonderful to come in and fill your life. Smokey Quartz’s healing energy transforms negativity into positivity and inspires you to take the steps in the directions of your dreams. Labradorite is said to enhance one’s magical powers. It is believed to calm the overactive mind and return joy and spontaneity back to one’s life. Amethyst is a calming stone that works in the emotional, spiritual, and physical to provide balance, patience + peace.” (from Tiny Devotions)
I chose them with the intention of letting go of my last relationship; letting go of the pain, and the blame, and the sorrow. But in that meditation, and in that space, I have found quite a different letting go: it’s a letting go of shallow assumptions about what I want from a partner, and an embrace of something far deeper and more meaningful; an understanding of what I need. In that space I have found grace and compassion, for myself. I have found peace, and softness, and an opening to the possibility of life, the gift that will unfold organically when the time is right. What I have let go of is this feeling that I need a man to validate me, to keep me company, take care of me. What I have let go of is the need to search, and what I have found, is patience. So going back to my friend’s question, about what I am looking for? Finally, I can answer that I am not looking. I am finding. I am discovering me, and taking good care, and treating myself with love. I am being my own best partner, and I am perfectly content.